A tough few weeks

I guess it was not meant to be... "At least you know you can get pregnant"... the statistics go way up, now that you have been able to conceive...

We've heard them all before.

In a nutshell, 3 weeks ago, Hubby and I went to see the heartbeat, and it was not there....Such a sad day. I decided to take the natural route and let my body miscarry on its own. I was advised by my RE and my Mom (an NP) that this is the best way to proceed, if I could stand it mentally. So, it did, and now it's done, and now I wait, and wait some more.

I chose not to blog my way through all the various emotions I had. I was probably more anxious than I have ever been in my life, after we got the BPF. I tried all my mind/body learnings to try and keep me calm, but this just didn't work. I just knew in my heart something was wrong. So when we actually found out there was no heartbeat, after a lot of tears I was actually relieved "to know". But, a few days later, my real grief set in.

I feel as if my life for the last 2 years has been a big waiting game. Waiting for test results, the dreaded 2 week wait, waiting with bated breath for every phone call from the docs, waiting for the miscarriage to happen, to be done, for my next period... Now, I wait again, to try again.

It's strange, I'm actually happy right now. It's a relief not to be in a cycle. I'm 38, so there is no option to "take time off", but this month or two of forced waiting is great. I'm trying to take this time to regain my life. I want to change my diet, lose a few pounds before getting fat again on IF drugs and depression eating, I just want to live life, instead of waiting until I get a good result to celebrate something. I realized how depressed I've been, and I feel as if the fog has lifted. Do you think it's the IF drugs that have been keeping me down and now that I'm Au natural, the spell has lifted? (this thought has just occurred to me).

I've learned one amazing thing from this whole experience. I married the right man. He has been so wonderful through this whole experience. When we got our BFP, he was so incredibly excited. My hubby is pretty even keeled, so to see this in him was thrilling for me. All along, I tried to temper his expectations about our chances of success, or what could happen, but he didn't believe me in his heart. So, when we miscarried, he was devastated. The process of supporting each other through this experience has done wonders for our marriage. I can't really explain why, it just has. I guess I'll say he just gave me exactly what I needed... and I hope that I was able to do the same for him.

So, now we wait. I keep saying that I can't believe we are "back where we started", but in all reality, I know we are one small step ahead. At least we know it can actually happen, and in my heart, I actually believe that.