Friday, December 28, 2007

The God of Fertility

I said I was going to take time off from drug induced fertility, but we decided to try the good old fashioned way. We'll see, I'm assuming it won't work, so I'm still going to have fun and enjoy my vacation.

I thought my fellow IF sisters would enjoy this little tidbit. Guess what I got for Christmas from my SIL? A statue of an African god of fertility. I have to say, I'm feeling so desperate to have a child that I was actually glad to receive it! Both of my SIL's are very fertile, so maybe there is something to this statue. Between them they have 7 children. They want to be sensitive and helpful, but I've heard all their stories about people who tried for years and years and finally got pregnant. Enough! Just give me a little black magic!

SO, in short, I've decided to give in to all my superstitions. The other night, before "trying", I rubbed the gods Buddha belly. Maybe next month I should have my palm read? I'm not a church goer, but maybe I should start???? Like the title says... CRAZY? or Pregnant.

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 10, 2007

A few months off!

It's confirmed. BFN. We are on to the next step. Hubby and I met with our RE on Friday and we are on to injectables. However, we decided to take a little time off while we take a much needed vacation.

Interesting discussion with the RE and his nurses. Again, I'm not complaining as I read so many of you who have no insurance. Our treatment is largely being dictated by insurance.

My RE was going into his discussion about the fact that we should do 3 inj cycles. I asked him directly, "Is this the course of treatment you would recommend for us, or is insurance dictating this?" He answered honestly and said, yes, I think you should move to IVF, but we would never get it approved. The nurses confirmed this as well. Again, I'm grateful for the coverage, but amazed at how much insurance companies dictate the course of patient care. I guess I should not be surprised by this, but it's the first time it's happened to me.

I'm actually excited to take a break from all of this. I'm going to go to the gym, not worried about doing something too bouncy, or getting my heartrate over 140. I'm going to get healthy for 2 months. Oh yeah, and enjoy plenty of holiday wine.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I could not help myself

I tested this morning at 10dpiui after seeing a little spotting last night. Negative! Not even the illusion of a second line, just a stark white stick with one very sharp red line.

I have an RE appt. on Friday and the nurses told me to test tomorrow, so I will, but I'm sure it will be negative. I'm just really sad today. I actually cried a lot last night knowing it was negative, seeing the spotting. I could delude myself into thinking it was late implantation bleeding, but I'd rather just face reality.

The RE appt. is to discuss next steps, which they've previewed as being injectables with IUI. Husby and I are going on a much needed vacation in January to Hawaii. We are very lucky, and can't wait to go. I think I've decided to take a break from fertility until we come back. Maybe I'll find some Hawaiian fertility Buddha to bring home with us.

Just need to get through the day today with no (or very few) tears. 16 cycles and counting...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


So this is what it feels like. An inescapable sorrow that washes over you from the minute you wake. IUI and Clomid #3 done. 16th 2WW in progress. Why can't I be hopeful instead of miserable?

I must channel the power of positive thinking! I must! Am I secretly willing this baby not to happen?

Again, AM I CRAZY???

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Big Neg... again

I broke down and succumbed to my addiction, and bought 2 boxes of PG tests... and I used one.

I am too early, I know that, but I could not help it. It was negative.... 2 hours later it was negative... this morning, that same test was still negative.

I will not loose faith however. I am crampy, probably PMSing, but alas I am holding out hope. It's still early...

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Crazy? or Pregnant

Thank you to all of you who have blogged out there and let your feelings all hang out in your blogs. I realize that I'm not the only one feeling this way!

CLOMID: Does it make you crazy all month or am I just spiraling down into a world of infirtility insanity? Could some one please answer that for me? Seriously, does clomid have after effects beyond the 5 days you take it?

I'm 9DPIUI and losing it quickly. I am in my second month of IUI and clomid and let me tell you... I am really nuts. If someone had told me that trying to have a baby would be so emotionally wrenching, I would not have believed them.

In the last six months, I've learned a new language (IF talk). To think that EWCM and IUI and BD is a regular part of my vocabulary is scary!

I am counting the days until I can POAS, and of course, I am analyzing every little feeling, twinge, cramp, bloat, sick feeling. The worst thing of all is that I can't really work out or drink!

The strangest thing about IF is how your loved ones and friends react. I've heard comments from my best friends mother, "I really want this to happen for... "(duh... me too). I have other friends who give me the look and talk about anything but IF. Another friend just sheepishly announced that she's having her third.... yup she's older than me (38)... and got prego twice on her first try (hate her)... Kidding of course. I feel guilty because I feel badly when she told me, but of course I'm happy for her.

If I hear one more person tell me to do yoga, relax, go on vacation, I will KILL THEM! Don't they get it? Don't they understand how your every minute of every day is spent obsessing about how I feel? What CD is it? Two lines or one? Is my temp still up? AF or PG cramps? Pain on the right side, pain on the left?

Oh... I'm better now! Thanks for the vent!