Monday, February 25, 2008

Still Waiting

There has been a lot of action since my last post. I am currently doing an Inj and IUI cycle, but the nurses told me if I produced a lot of follicles, they might convert to IVF. Well, for 24 glorious hours, I thought this was going to happen. (Tick, tick tick up the emotional rollercoaster…) I had 6 measurable follies on 1 side and 2 on the other. I was HAPPY for a change. I was laughing and smiling, had a lot of energy... I just realized how much this whole infertility process has taken a toll on my psyche.

But, the next day, the nurses called with my US results and told me to trigger that night with the IUI scheduled for last Friday. (Down I go…) I did not meet "the criteria" for IVF. Criteria? What criteria? Whose criteria? I do ask the nurses these questions, and they probably think I'm a complete control freak nut job, but information is power right now and that keeps me going from day to day.

On IUI Friday, as I sat in the stirrup room in my fully exposed glory, the nurse said, "This is exactly the kind of cycle we like to see with 3 possible eggs." I have high hopes for you. Tick, tick, tick back up the emotional roller coaster. I am trying so hard to keep my emotions in check, but I can't help it. I'm pulling out all the stops for this cycle.

Hubby and I are not religious people. I'm not saying that we are atheists, but we are really not sure what we believe in. What we do know is that organized religion has been the cause of many wars, economic injustice, and lack of independent thinking. Given this, getting down on my knees and asking god to help us create a baby is a bit hypocritical, don't you think? This thought, however, has not stopped me from calling all my religious friends and asking them to say prayers for us. So, I’ve got the cavalry praying…

Next, I thought I would try the Chinese medicine route- Acupuncture. Saturday morning I went to my first acupuncture appointment. I am pretty analytical, and really don’t believe much in Zen, etc. But, I’ve seen the statistics that acupuncture does help infertility, so I thought I would give it a whirl. I asked what the theory behind acupuncture was, and she explained that the needles correct the flow of the energy in my body. Ok, what? I had to repeat my new mantra, “Willing suspension of disbelief—there is something to this Chinese medicine.” The results: It didn’t hurt, except for 1 spot, and I actually think I’ve been more relaxed since Saturday. So, we’ll see, I go back Wednesday for my next treatment.

Back to waiting… I’m 4 days into the 2week wait and all my symptoms of crazy are coming back. Obsessive googling, pushing my bbs to assess their level of soreness (which I believe have reached new heights due to the HCG and progesterone), looking for that metally taste in my mouth, talking to my hopefully fertilized egg(s). Oh yeah, I’m calling them the twins.
Thanks for letting me vent. This blog is my way of getting all my thoughts out without overwhelming my fertile friends and family…. Until next time…

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hope is creeping in...

I'm sooo trying not to get excited, but I can't help it. Maybe it's just because I'm getting more information than I've ever had before. But it looks as if my body is responding to the Gonal F by producing 6 measurable follicles on 1 side at day 10. Two are leading the way at 14 and 15. I was really, really hoping that we could convert to IVF, but my ovaries have not produced enough.

I'm trying not to visualize those 2 follies as embryos, really trying. But I can't help it. I feel as if I'm watching a train wreck. I've been repeating my mantra that I was only going through these inj+IUI cycles to get to IVF, but I'm letting hope back in. I know that if a BFN comes (which it always does) that I'm going to be crushed. But, I'm blocking that out for another few weeks. Am I crazy?

The emotional attachment that I have to these FOLLICLES is nuts. This just makes me feel even worse for the bloggers who have miscarried. At the same time, it's been equally as uplifting to read about the numerous sucesses. Thinking posititve thoughts...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I'm a junky

My first night using the Gonal F pen... I had built this up in my mind as being a huge deal, even though so many people told me it was easy. Although I must admit, I had some sweaty palms as I poised the pen over my belly to jab myself. NO PAIN! Yay! My biggest fear now is making sure that I use the pen correctly.

Ultrasounds are also new for me this month, and I am relieved to have them. I'm getting more information!!! I know my lining was 10 mm thick, and now it's "nice and thin". I know I had a cyst, but it resolved itself. I keep running through my head, what are all the possible reasons why I'm not getting pregnant? I'm now down to bad eggs, but I'll just have to wait and see. I'm counting down the days until I learn something new.

Praying that I can convert this cycle to IVF...

Monday, February 11, 2008

I'm back

After a wonderful vacation to Hawaii, Hubby and I are back to work, and back to IF, and back to being crazy. For 2 delicious weeks, we enjoyed life in Maui. I can say we really enjoyed life, which is something that IF has stripped from me. There was only 1 time, when the sight of 3 or 4 babies playing on the beach broke my heart but other than that... it was really great to take some time off from this emotional roller coaster. Life is sooo good there :)

But, now we are back on the wagon, and I am full-blown crazy. I went to the RE's office for my "day 3" testing as part of our first injectable/IUI. For some reason, I cried all the way there, in the parking garage, while having blood drawn, and all the way home. I really don't know what came over me, but I lost it. The nurses actually asked me if I took a pregnancy test, which of course I did BFN.

I really hope that this cycle tells us something. At this point, my dream would be a pregnancy, but that just seems so unrealistic. I just can't imagine it happening. Sometimes I look at people with kids or pregnant women and I want to ask them, "How did you make that happen?". But, I would be happy just to know something more than I did last cycle. I am responding or not responding, how many follilces I have, just tell me SOMETHING!

Hubby and I had a discussion this weekend about "fault". We are diagnosed unexplained, but his sperm are fine which makes me feel as if this is my fault. Is it my fault that hubby and I didn't meet until I was 35? Are my eggs all bad? Is my uteris faulty? Are the 20 extra pounds I carry keeping this from happening? Am I too stressed? Is that glass of wine I love keeping this from happening? Will hubby regret marrying me if I can't make this happen? I can't get these things out of my head. The issue is the phrase, "make this happen". For the first time in my life, this IF is utterly out of my control, and I hate it. I'm doing everything I can with treatments, etc. but it's not like... ok, if I force myself to jog 5 miles each night, I will achieve pregnancy. If I study really really hard, I'll achieve pregnancy. It's so frustrating.

Ok, thank you all for allowing me this virtual rant. Now that it's off my chest, I feel much better. I can slowly feel the glass filling half full of water... Looking forward to tomorrow's ultrasound, and beginning stimming. (my secret glass really full dream is that I have tons of folly's and they convert this to IVF).

A note about ME and Steve:
The news of Mary Ellen and Steve's losses were overwhelming. My heart literally broke for them, and still does each day. I check the feed a few times a day hoping for some good news for them, and I'm so happy Mary Ellens physical health is improving. I don't really know what to say, but I just wish them so many good thoughts in trying to get through each day.