After a wonderful vacation to Hawaii, Hubby and I are back to work, and back to IF, and back to being crazy. For 2 delicious weeks, we enjoyed life in Maui. I can say we really enjoyed life, which is something that IF has stripped from me. There was only 1 time, when the sight of 3 or 4 babies playing on the beach broke my heart but other than that... it was really great to take some time off from this emotional roller coaster. Life is sooo good there :)
But, now we are back on the wagon, and I am full-blown crazy. I went to the RE's office for my "day 3" testing as part of our first injectable/IUI. For some reason, I cried all the way there, in the parking garage, while having blood drawn, and all the way home. I really don't know what came over me, but I lost it. The nurses actually asked me if I took a pregnancy test, which of course I did BFN.
I really hope that this cycle tells us something. At this point, my dream would be a pregnancy, but that just seems so unrealistic. I just can't imagine it happening. Sometimes I look at people with kids or pregnant women and I want to ask them, "How did you make that happen?". But, I would be happy just to know something more than I did last cycle. I am responding or not responding, how many follilces I have, just tell me SOMETHING!
Hubby and I had a discussion this weekend about "fault". We are diagnosed unexplained, but his sperm are fine which makes me feel as if this is my fault. Is it my fault that hubby and I didn't meet until I was 35? Are my eggs all bad? Is my uteris faulty? Are the 20 extra pounds I carry keeping this from happening? Am I too stressed? Is that glass of wine I love keeping this from happening? Will hubby regret marrying me if I can't make this happen? I can't get these things out of my head. The issue is the phrase, "make this happen". For the first time in my life, this IF is utterly out of my control, and I hate it. I'm doing everything I can with treatments, etc. but it's not like... ok, if I force myself to jog 5 miles each night, I will achieve pregnancy. If I study really really hard, I'll achieve pregnancy. It's so frustrating.
Ok, thank you all for allowing me this virtual rant. Now that it's off my chest, I feel much better. I can slowly feel the glass filling half full of water... Looking forward to tomorrow's ultrasound, and beginning stimming. (my secret glass really full dream is that I have tons of folly's and they convert this to IVF).
A note about ME and Steve:
The news of Mary Ellen and Steve's losses were overwhelming. My heart literally broke for them, and still does each day. I check the feed a few times a day hoping for some good news for them, and I'm so happy Mary Ellens physical health is improving. I don't really know what to say, but I just wish them so many good thoughts in trying to get through each day.
But, now we are back on the wagon, and I am full-blown crazy. I went to the RE's office for my "day 3" testing as part of our first injectable/IUI. For some reason, I cried all the way there, in the parking garage, while having blood drawn, and all the way home. I really don't know what came over me, but I lost it. The nurses actually asked me if I took a pregnancy test, which of course I did BFN.
I really hope that this cycle tells us something. At this point, my dream would be a pregnancy, but that just seems so unrealistic. I just can't imagine it happening. Sometimes I look at people with kids or pregnant women and I want to ask them, "How did you make that happen?". But, I would be happy just to know something more than I did last cycle. I am responding or not responding, how many follilces I have, just tell me SOMETHING!
Hubby and I had a discussion this weekend about "fault". We are diagnosed unexplained, but his sperm are fine which makes me feel as if this is my fault. Is it my fault that hubby and I didn't meet until I was 35? Are my eggs all bad? Is my uteris faulty? Are the 20 extra pounds I carry keeping this from happening? Am I too stressed? Is that glass of wine I love keeping this from happening? Will hubby regret marrying me if I can't make this happen? I can't get these things out of my head. The issue is the phrase, "make this happen". For the first time in my life, this IF is utterly out of my control, and I hate it. I'm doing everything I can with treatments, etc. but it's not like... ok, if I force myself to jog 5 miles each night, I will achieve pregnancy. If I study really really hard, I'll achieve pregnancy. It's so frustrating.
Ok, thank you all for allowing me this virtual rant. Now that it's off my chest, I feel much better. I can slowly feel the glass filling half full of water... Looking forward to tomorrow's ultrasound, and beginning stimming. (my secret glass really full dream is that I have tons of folly's and they convert this to IVF).
A note about ME and Steve:
The news of Mary Ellen and Steve's losses were overwhelming. My heart literally broke for them, and still does each day. I check the feed a few times a day hoping for some good news for them, and I'm so happy Mary Ellens physical health is improving. I don't really know what to say, but I just wish them so many good thoughts in trying to get through each day.
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