A tough few weeks

Well, it's been a tough few weeks but now I'm back in the saddle. In the last few weeks, our IF life has been pretty busy. We switched RE's to someone who I feel will be better at connecting to me on a human level. As I sitting there bawling in her office, she suggested the Mind/Body institue. So, I've signed up for this and it starts on Monday. I have really high hopes that this will make me feel better.

I've had a blue couple of weeks, to the point that I just didn't want to get out of bed. But, over the last few days, it's like a big cloud has lifted, and I'm able to function at a somewhat normal energy level.

I don't know, this thing is just so up and down. I go from being hopeless to letting hope creep in. Hubby really wants me to think that this will happen for us someday, I am just not there. I just can't envision myself getting prego.

I feel as if this is another wasted month. I took an HCG trigger, but based on the progression of my follies, the nurses were not sure if they would ovulate on their own before the trigger kicked in. So, they told us to "do it" the night before the IUI, which we did! Then, the next morning, we went in for the IUI and hubbys count was literally zero. ZERO! This is a big deal for us because he's always had really high counts in the past. We went in again the next day, and his washed count was 100,000. Still very, very low. So, they did the IUI anyway, so that we could complete the cycle for insurance purposes. But, when we had 56 million last month, how could this happen.
I know, I know, you only need 1, but come on!

Hubby was sick with the flu and 103 degree fever a few weeks ago, so maybe that depleted the sperm count. I just hope this is not an indicator that he's sick at all.

So here I am, deep in the throws of the 2ww. Still waiting....

endurance

I read everyones blogs every day and I don't understand something. I'm at the beginning of this IF race, or maybe, sadly, I'm approaching the mid-point. I feel as if I've run a marathon already. I'm completely mentally and physically exhausted, but I feel guilty saying that.

I've read about those of you who have been trying for years, miscarried or lost babies close to full term. How does one survive this kind of tragedy? If your life's dream is to have a family, and it just isn't going to happen, how does one recover from that?

Let's flip this around to the positive by saying I admire everyone who manages to recover and be happy after dealing with infertility and miscarriages. You are my heroes.

I'd love to know how people deal with the mental health part of infertility?

3 wasted eggs

I'm not prego. So much for the nurses saying, "this is the kind of cycle we look for". So disappointed.

An interesting weekend

Deep in the midst of my 2ww I had a girls weekend away. Big mistake. Of the 5 of us there, only 1 could drink, meaning 3 are pregnant and I am abstaining, "just in case". I was not mentally prepared for this because 2 of the announcements came this weekend.

For my 1 friend, this is her third. Of all of my friends, only 1 has had anything close to having IF issues. Everyone else is a Fertile Mertile, which is wonderful! But the real shocker came from my other friend who announced her 14 week pregnancy. For privacy's sake, I won't mention too much because if she ever read this, I'd feel badly. It's just that given her financial and other factors this pregnancy creates a lot of uncertainty.

I was really torn how to react to her. On the one hand, it felt like a physical blow when she told me, but I didn't cry :). I want to be happy for her, but this could also be the factor that holds her down financially, forever. I feel like I'm watching a trainwreck. "Welfare" came out of her mouth this weekend.

On the other hand, just because she's not financially stable and is potentially setting herself up to be a single mother, does she just let her biological clock tick away? a really hard question! Understanding the feeling of wanting a child as much as I do, who am I to even think she should not have a child because she can't afford it?

At this point, all we can do is be supportive, which is what I did all weekend. But there is another part of me that wants to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to grow up. She has a child on the way now, and she's got to plan for it!! Her life is not her own anymore. Ok, now I'm being preachy.

Thanks for letting me vent virtually. This post probably does not make much sense to the reader, but I needed to get this off my chest.