A new cycle, new hope

It's finally time for my first real live IVF. Yup, Blue Cross, Hub and I are finally ready to pull out the big guns. This makes me hopeful and scared at the same time. Through the summer months I made various appearances at the RE's office for one type of test or another, but I largely had the summer off, and it was GREAT. I feel as if I was finally able to regain some semblance of control over my life, and more importantly, my emotions.

So here we are.... I'm at the beginning of my six week IVF cycle. My protocol seems to be a bit different from most of the blog world, where I'm not taking BCP's. I'm happy about this however, because it's just another hormone to add (whoremone... right Jen?). I asked the RE's nurses about this and they said the usually don't prescribe BCP's unless controlling the cycle is an issue, or if someone is over/under suppressed. This means, no drugs until after cd 21.

I want this cycle to be different, and to try not to let it dominate my life. From my six previous medicated IUI's, I've learned to recognize something in myself.... depression and stress. I never really realized just how it feels, but it's almost as if a blanket falls over my head and I have a hard time seeing my way out of it. I'm convinced that these drugs contribute, which of course does not help conception if you buy into the mind/body connection. I am bought in. There, I’ve said it. The one time I got pregnant, I had been going to the mind/body institute and meeting with 13 other people struggling with infertility. I had 3 months of acupuncture under my belt, and my first ever yoga classes. During my last IUI, with my feet still in the stirrups, I visualized the egg and sperm meeting... Do you think I'm crazy yet?? The pregnancy didn't take, but I had gotten further than ever before. So, for this cycle, I'm focused on a few things.

1. Trying to stay hopeful, yet somewhat detached. I can honestly say I've done everything possible to try and make this cycle successful. I lost some weight, I've quit drinking (for now :)), have started acupuncture again, and am about to start the meditation again. (which I find pretty difficult). My RE, who I love, said we will get you pregnant, but know you could be in this for the long haul. It does not always work the first time. So...my mantra, hopeful, yet detatched.

2. Positive. I will be a mother someday, one way or another. If we can't make this fly biologically, Hub says he's open to adoption. I am convinced even if we do have a biological child, we may adopt as well.

3. Recognize Stress. I know what it feels like, and the response my body has. Recognize it, and try and reverse it. Breathing, walks, meditation, something... just trying to keep away the cortizol.

Finally, the last thing that I have learned so far is that I have an amazing husband, family and group of supportive friends. While I don't think anyone really can feel what I feel, they try. And frankly, that's all that matters. I've learned to accept that they don't really "get it", and to laugh at some of the things that a year ago would have made me cry, or angry even.
For example... my Mom recently bought a new car. She's wants to retire in a few years, so this is her last big hurrah. She bought a pretty darn luxurious Acura MDX with guess what... the rear entertainment package… for the dog Mom? When she showed me the car, she was pointing out all the features, but just skipped over that one. I saw it and said, "Mom! What the heck were you thinking?" She said with a big grin on her face, "Well honey, I'm going to have this car for 10 years or more... no pressure". A year ago, I probably would have cried in her face, but I just laughed and thought to myself.... Mom, you just wait. I never want to hear any complaints when we ask you to babysit.

See? I'm being positive. Whether we have a baby biologically, or travel to some far reaching part of the earth to adopt a child, I can visualize a car seat in the back of that Acura, with a child watching something and singing along :).