Crazy? or Pregnant

Just so I can remember #2

2011-03-01T12:59:00.000-08:00

1 miscarriage natural
2 failed IVF's

3rd IVF
transferred 4 on Feb 15th

Beta 2/27- 296
Beta 3/1 - 684
Beta 3/7 - 8346

3/7 First US - TWINS!!
Second US March 11
2 hb's 130 and 133
YAY!!!

31 weeks tomorrow

2009-05-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm writing that. My Mom threw a baby shower for us yesterday and I was overwhelmed with the generocity and genuine happiness that everyone showed for us. It was really so exciting.

But never a dull moment right??? Last week I made 2 trips to the hospital with what were termed "premature contractions". Meaning, I was contracting very lightly, but consistently every 4-5 minutes. I had many tests done:
- no UTI
- Fetal fibronectin test came back negative (yay!)
- no other bacterial infections

So, long story short, no one knows why I'm still having these contractions, but as of last Friday, they were not changing my cervix. So, I'm just working to keep this baby in for as long as possible, and she's not showing any real signs of coming early. (gulp)...

Has anyone out there ever had a similar experience?

First Dog and 26 weeks today!!

2009-04-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Things are going along well (knocking on the nearest wood) with baby girl Harrison. I just can't wait to meet her. When trying to get pregnant, I remember thinking, I just can't wait to experience pregnancy... now, I just can't wait to meet her!!!

I can feel her move all the time, which is so reassuring. I also feel as if everyday she is inside of me the better I feel. I still find myself thinking the worst and I'm trying with all my being to stop that train of thought. "Ok, 26 weeks and I've reached viability, she could survive"... Do you think infertiles ever stop thinking this way?

I read a blog from musicmakermomma (who I am keeping my fingers crossed for) and I was really proud of her. She is facing questionable numbers, but is allowing herself to think positively and relishing in her pregnant status. I think this is wonderful, albeit really hard to do. I am channeling positive thoughts for her.

If you read previous posts, you will see my little furbaby Oscar, who is a Portuguese water dog. So, all the press and pictures about the first dog Bo, have got my heart pounding. I love these little guys and would love to have another puppy. But, I am not crazy. These dogs are all consuming when they are young. They are not your docile, lay down in your lap creatures... they are a true companion. I call Oscar "the inspector". If I am looking for a shoe under the couch, he sticks his face right where my hand is to see what I'm looking for. If I reach into a cabinet and pull something out, he wants to sniff it and check it out.

I wonder how he will be with baby, as he is the baby now. I call him my babydog... and he always will be even though he's turning 8 on April 18th. (gulp). He is so trustworthy with kids, but I've only seen him with babies a few times. I've watched him drop his ball into the infant carrier, or lick excess milk off the babies face. Um yeah, the Mommies were none too pleased about that one.

Anyone have experience with dogs and kids?

22 weeks and counting...

2009-03-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

We are 22 weeks this week and thrilled. I was able to feel our baby GIRL :) move last week for the first time. What an unbelievable feeling. I feel like the baby and I bond everytime she kicks me... too cool.

Keeping my fingers crossed for an uneventful 18 weeks.

I think this is going to happen...

2009-01-12T09:27:00.000-08:00

12 weeks, 6 days. 5 Ultrasounds later, I think we are going to have a baby. I can't believe it. I've had some up and down days over the last few weeks, spotting, general fear. But seeing that baby on the ultrasound was simply amazing. Our little bambino was twisting and turning on camera for us and it was just awesome.

Thank you to all the readers out there who have supported me. It really means a lot. I'm not sure how much I'll keep up with this blog, as it was really intended to get me through the hell that is infertility. This blog, and reading others, really helped me to not feel alone.

I will continue to post comments on other's blogs and wish everyone the best of luck :)

Crazy AND pregnant!!!!

2008-12-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

9 weeks, 3 days, HB 167... :)

RE says that there is now only a 10% chance of miscarrying...

Am I allowed to think I'm going to have a baby??? I am in partial denial, but seeing what actually looks like a baby, with arm buds and a really big head was so incredible.

I can't help it... I'm getting excited.

7 weeks 2 days

2008-12-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

My husband and I saw the little buggers heartbeat today. We cried. Well, I cried. I was so happy and relieved at the same time. This was the time where we learned of our last miscarriage, so I'm really excited. I know we are not out of the woods yet, but it was so amazing to see that heartbeat (153bpm) :) Measuring 7 weeks 4 days, so right on track...

SO FAR SO GOOD!

Still hanging in there...

2008-11-25T10:10:00.000-08:00

I've been trying not to lose my mind over the last few days and having a serious countdown until December 4th. This is the day we go in for the next ultrasound and hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, see a heartbeat.

I sent my RE an email yesterday and she called me back. Yes, she is wonderful and absolutely rocks! I wanted to know if my symptoms are "normal" and if there is anything else I can possibly be doing...

One thing I love about my RE is that she's optimistic, yet realistic. She told me that spotting could be a sign of miscarriage, but at the same time, many, many women spot. Also, she said that cramping is perfectly normal. She reassured me that there is absolutely nothing we can do at this point to "save" the pregnancy... "it's baked" she said. She said, although you don't want to hear this, there is nothing more we can do but wait and see until things have progressed enough for us to scan you again and check progress. She said for me to live my life. If I were to go on bedrest between now and then, the outcome will still be the same. In a strange way, I found this very reassuring. There is nothing I can do. I can't control this... all I can do is wait.

So I wait... and wait.

US today

2008-11-20T12:09:00.000-08:00

I have had a serious back ache and some pretty miserable cramping over the last few days. Last night the cramping woke me up from a dead sleep. It felt just like when I was about to get my period. With my period, I would experience a lot of cramps, break out in a cold sweat, and inevitably, I would get the "day 1 surge".

This morning I woke to find spotting, pink spotting. The back ache has not left me, and I've had cramps on and off all day. So, bright and early I called the RE's office to ask what I should do. I was supposed to have my 1st US tomorrow, but I they let me come in today instead. Well, all measured where it was supposed to. They found 1 sac, and it's measuring where it should be. Why am I not relieved?

I came home from the US and had more spotting, perhaps from the probe. More cramping this afternoon. Please someone tell me if this is normal??? My nurses didn't. They said we've done everything we can right now. We can only wait until the next US which is December 4th. That is SOooo long from now.

Did anyone else ever experience this?

US Friday

2008-11-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

I am starting to worry like crazy. My US is on Friday and I can't wait. Today I woke up not feeling so "pregnant". I mean, I was having some heartburn and feeling a little queasy, but I'm not sick enough, tired enough or anything. I can't sleep. I wake up at 3am and worry.... I seriously tried my meditation mp3 at 3am.

... please, someone tell me that I'm not supposed to feel this stuff yet, and everything is going to be ok. sigh...

Beta #2

2008-11-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

1296! I'm happy again today.

570 reasons to be happy today

2008-11-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

BETA: 570!

I want to be cautious, knowing that so many things could go wrong, but I don't care (today). I'm happy.

Beta 2: Friday

Thanks for all the good wishes Ladies.....
Right back at ya!!

The calm before the storm

2008-11-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

I called and requested my test be moved to Wednesday instead of Thursday. I work from home on Wednesdays and I want to have the day to cry (in between calls) if I need it.

No spotting, limited heartburn, AF symptoms... Psychosis :)

Hub and I are going to test together tonight. He actually asked me if I had any tests on me at work today. (He knows me too well) But, I promised.

The pull of the stick....

2008-11-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

I didn't give in! yet...

Beta is Thursday, Hub and I agreed to test Wednesday morning. My premonitions of being pregnant come and go like the wind. As I type, I'm feeling AF like crampiness and I'm breaking out in a cold sweat, however this could be attributed to my 3 block walk to work. I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm crying, I'm not.... What the F? Am I or NOT????

Ok, enough of a rant. Hub made me promise not to test before Wednesday, which would be 14dp 3dt. I mean... come on! He has a point though, if I test negative too early, I'll question whether I was really pregnant. If I test positive, life will be GOOD!

It was hard this weekend. I went to Trader Joes (love it) and every other woman was pregnant or carrying the most adorable infants. I had a physical ache when I saw them... But you all know what I'm talking about. I'm preaching to the choir.

Ok, heading to the Ladies here at work, looking for evidence (or lack thereof) of spotting... wish me luck.

not feeling any symptoms

2008-11-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

Beta an eternity from now, on the 13th. Why oh why must I wait so long.

Seriously, I'm not feeling much other than the absolutely miserable side effects of Estrogen and progesterone. Sore boobs, and oh so constipated. (TMI, but most of my fellow IFers will say... hum, are those really prego symptoms?)

Staying away from the tests... far away.

7 Days and counting until beta day

2008-11-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

I don't think I can make it... I'm now 8dp 3dt. I'm 11 days past crazy...
Should I test?

Emotional mess

2008-11-02T12:07:00.001-08:00

Last night I went to a family gathering at my friends house. 2 families with 3 kids, 1 family with 2 kids, 1 single Mom with infant. So in short, 4 infants in the house... with me. I have to say, I tried to put on the best spin I good as I held their babies... spouting nonsense about good karma.

I've been in tears all morning. I will confess to watching emotional tely... but frankly, I think I let all my emotions out about the ER, transfer and all tonight... 11 days and counting...

3Day transfer,,, 3 embies

2008-10-31T11:38:00.000-07:00

We had a successful 3 day transfer where they put back 3 embies. I really didn't ask much about the quality of the embryos. I expected to get a report card, or a grade, but when I asked, the Doc said they were, "above average"... ok, whatever that means.

The truth is... I had to pee so badly that I just wanted to hurry up and get the whole thing over with. The worst part about this transfer, and quite frankly the whole IVF experience was the tremendous amount of pain my bladder endured on Wednesday. I was on the table with my legs in stirrups, literally breathing through the pain.

The nurse was in my face telling me how I should be thinking good thoughts, and that I would have a more successful transfer if I would think happy thoughts. Then she hands me the picture of the 3 embies. It actually kind of upset me.... Visualize this...

My bladder is more full than I've ever experienced before. Next up, abdominal ultrasound- READ: extreme pushing on my bladder, all for the purpose of ensuring my lining was ok. Check. Follow that up with the speculum, catheter(s) and transfer... all the while the nurse telling me to relax, go to my happy place, look at your embryos....

Are you kidding??? All I could think was, please, please don't let me pee on this table. They wanted me to wait 10 minutes before I peed, but I just could not do it. I am going to feel incredibly guilty if this does not work that it was my fault.

1. I had planned on being very zen and visualizing the embryos going in and softly landing on my very fertile, nurturing uterus. In reality... I was thinking HURRY UP!!!
2. Did I screw something up because I peed??

We have the little picture of the 3 embies, but feeling quite uncertain about what to do with it. When I got prego the first time, hubby was so excited to keep the first ultrasound picture. Then of course, we lost it. I expressed to him my reservations about this little picture, and he looked at me knowingly and said, "We already had one of those". Sad... every now and then he comes out with things that make me realize how much he's internalized our previous losses.

....So now we embark on the 2 week wait. I am really going to try not to test early. Beta is scheduled for the 13th of November, which is an absolute eternity from now. Serenity now!!

Today is a good day

2008-10-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

7 out of 9 fertilized. I'm happy...

We are doing assisted hatching so we know we are doing a Day 3 transfer, which is Wednesday. Unfortunately we won't know anything until then about quality, etc. But, that's ok. I'll be happy with a potential 7 embies... because maybe we'll get 2 good ones.

fingers crossed, knocking on wood...

ER yesterday

2008-10-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

We got 9 eggs. I'm really happy about that. It's not 20 eggs, but nine is better than the 3 I thought I was going to have. So, yesterday I was happy, albeit sore. I'm still feeling a little sore today. Do you IVF'ers out there think that's normal???

Today, I'm riding the anxiety train waiting for the fertilization call. I really, really hope we got some to fertilize. I am seriously just hoping for 2 embies. More is better of course, but I would be happy to have something to transfer.

It's been a difficult few days, and probably even harder on Hubby. He's pretty even keeled and does not express his feelings much, but last night he told me he was nervous about the cycle. He feels like we've finally pulled out the big guns, and he just wants it to work. Then, he wants us to have a healthy baby...

How do you discuss this with your spouse? How do you get him (or her) to open up?

Keeping hope alive

2008-10-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

We added another med to the mix this morning... 75 units of Repronex. Come on little follies... GROW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hope this helps. My in real life friends say that other follies could be hiding out behind the bigger ones, and we don't really know what the true numbers are until they get in there. Keeping myself positive :)

CD 8- 6 measurable follies

2008-10-21T07:25:00.001-07:00

I'm sad. This can't be good. 3 on 1 side and 3 on another over 10. Sure, the nurse will call me later and tell me what the deal is, but how can 6 follies be good??? Remember all that positive talk? I'm losing it.

Someone please tell me a great story how they had 4, 5, 6 follies and got prego? Anyone???

Loopy Lupron

2008-10-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

As you can see from my history, I've done 6 medicated cycles so far with some what limited side effects...
AND THEN THERE WAS LUPRON.

Um yeah. Hot flashes, terrible headaches, VERY, VERY short temper, upset stomach... enough said. What a miserable drug this is. Is this normal???

I asked the nurses and they said it was removing estrogen and testosterone from my body, which basically mimics menopause. I joked with the Hub, "Honey, look what you have to look forward to?" Hopefully he won't divorce me in anticipation.

2 days into the Gonal F pen, and I'm starting to feel better. In my head, or physiological, not sure, but who cares... I'm not feeling ready to start a fight with the next person who looks at me funny.

I'm trying to avoid thinking too much about this cycle. When I allow myself to do that, I start to go down the path of thinking about all the things that could go wrong. No Follicles, Not mature, No Fertilization, Poor quality, No implantation, NEGATIVE... trying to stay positive.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss...

A new cycle, new hope

2008-09-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

It's finally time for my first real live IVF. Yup, Blue Cross, Hub and I are finally ready to pull out the big guns. This makes me hopeful and scared at the same time. Through the summer months I made various appearances at the RE's office for one type of test or another, but I largely had the summer off, and it was GREAT. I feel as if I was finally able to regain some semblance of control over my life, and more importantly, my emotions.

So here we are.... I'm at the beginning of my six week IVF cycle. My protocol seems to be a bit different from most of the blog world, where I'm not taking BCP's. I'm happy about this however, because it's just another hormone to add (whoremone... right Jen?). I asked the RE's nurses about this and they said the usually don't prescribe BCP's unless controlling the cycle is an issue, or if someone is over/under suppressed. This means, no drugs until after cd 21.

I want this cycle to be different, and to try not to let it dominate my life. From my six previous medicated IUI's, I've learned to recognize something in myself.... depression and stress. I never really realized just how it feels, but it's almost as if a blanket falls over my head and I have a hard time seeing my way out of it. I'm convinced that these drugs contribute, which of course does not help conception if you buy into the mind/body connection. I am bought in. There, I’ve said it. The one time I got pregnant, I had been going to the mind/body institute and meeting with 13 other people struggling with infertility. I had 3 months of acupuncture under my belt, and my first ever yoga classes. During my last IUI, with my feet still in the stirrups, I visualized the egg and sperm meeting... Do you think I'm crazy yet?? The pregnancy didn't take, but I had gotten further than ever before. So, for this cycle, I'm focused on a few things.

1. Trying to stay hopeful, yet somewhat detached. I can honestly say I've done everything possible to try and make this cycle successful. I lost some weight, I've quit drinking (for now :)), have started acupuncture again, and am about to start the meditation again. (which I find pretty difficult). My RE, who I love, said we will get you pregnant, but know you could be in this for the long haul. It does not always work the first time. So...my mantra, hopeful, yet detatched.

2. Positive. I will be a mother someday, one way or another. If we can't make this fly biologically, Hub says he's open to adoption. I am convinced even if we do have a biological child, we may adopt as well.

3. Recognize Stress. I know what it feels like, and the response my body has. Recognize it, and try and reverse it. Breathing, walks, meditation, something... just trying to keep away the cortizol.

Finally, the last thing that I have learned so far is that I have an amazing husband, family and group of supportive friends. While I don't think anyone really can feel what I feel, they try. And frankly, that's all that matters. I've learned to accept that they don't really "get it", and to laugh at some of the things that a year ago would have made me cry, or angry even.
For example... my Mom recently bought a new car. She's wants to retire in a few years, so this is her last big hurrah. She bought a pretty darn luxurious Acura MDX with guess what... the rear entertainment package… for the dog Mom? When she showed me the car, she was pointing out all the features, but just skipped over that one. I saw it and said, "Mom! What the heck were you thinking?" She said with a big grin on her face, "Well honey, I'm going to have this car for 10 years or more... no pressure". A year ago, I probably would have cried in her face, but I just laughed and thought to myself.... Mom, you just wait. I never want to hear any complaints when we ask you to babysit.

See? I'm being positive. Whether we have a baby biologically, or travel to some far reaching part of the earth to adopt a child, I can visualize a car seat in the back of that Acura, with a child watching something and singing along :).

More waiting

2008-07-22T10:14:00.001-07:00

I had an Hysteroscopy yesterday and long story short, we need to wait longer to begin IVF. And so I wait. I'm refusing to let this get me down however.

I am going to use this time to have fun, fun, fun. Oh yeah, and to focus on my other obsession right now... losing weight. I've joined weight watchers and I'm down 7 lbs so far... with a long way to go. However, I'm feeling good about this, albeit starving.

Hub and I have vacation planned for the first two weeks of August. I CAN'T WAIT. It seems as if we never see each other and I'm just so happy to get to spend a week together, let alone 2. For example, Hub has been home for a total of 3 days in the last 3 weeks. I hope it is worth it and someday his company presents us with some sort of payday. Ah, a girl can dream. In the meantime, we chug through life living for the weekends. I hate that.

A New Chapter...

2008-07-14T10:26:00.001-07:00

I met with our RE today and discussed the options for moving on. The one and only time I'm psyched to see my period... she showed... today. Now that she has showed, we can move on to our next option. Since we did get prego via IUI, she gave us the option, however, both Hubby and I are ready for IVF.

So, the hysteroscopy and the testing begin. I'm actually uplifted and excited to try this. I'm going to really try and maintain a positive attitude during this cycle. I've joined weight watchers at work, and trying to be hard core. Along with the IF cycles, miscarriage and all, I've also gained an additional 11 lbs, that i didn't have to gain.

So, I'm excited about becoming the new me...
- Actively trying to loose weight and get in shape.
- IVF baby!!!!!!!!!!!!

It will acutally be September when we are heavy into the IVF protocol, but as far as i'm concerned, it started today.

Another pregnant friend

2008-06-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

No, not my furbaby... but my friend, on her first stim cycle. Fun. She actually said to me yesterday, "It's so much better naturally. This is too stressful, having too much information". Well, no shi_ sherlock... welcome to the club.

Anyway, moving on... well, sort of... No D&C for me, but the scan was not all clear either, so I wait to see what happens. Again.

Anyway, enough negativity for today. My neighbor takes care of my furbaby and took these pictures... Aren't they cute? He's getting spoiled, he needs a sibling.

The waiting is the hardest part

2008-06-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

I think the hardest part about infertility is the waiting. Don't get me wrong, the numerous losses are brutal too, but I feel as if I've spent the last year and a half waiting for something.

Now, I begin my waiting again. Waiting for a real period, so that I can try again. Yesterday, I found out that I might need a D&C after all. So, I'm waiting to find out if that's the case. It is getting frustrating.

However, I'm trying not to get caught up in the minute by minute or ever day by day wait. I need to live for myself and my husband, rather than our baby (to be, god willing). Does that make sense to any IF'ers out there?

A tough few weeks

2008-06-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

I guess it was not meant to be... "At least you know you can get pregnant"... the statistics go way up, now that you have been able to conceive...

We've heard them all before.

In a nutshell, 3 weeks ago, Hubby and I went to see the heartbeat, and it was not there....Such a sad day. I decided to take the natural route and let my body miscarry on its own. I was advised by my RE and my Mom (an NP) that this is the best way to proceed, if I could stand it mentally. So, it did, and now it's done, and now I wait, and wait some more.

I chose not to blog my way through all the various emotions I had. I was probably more anxious than I have ever been in my life, after we got the BPF. I tried all my mind/body learnings to try and keep me calm, but this just didn't work. I just knew in my heart something was wrong. So when we actually found out there was no heartbeat, after a lot of tears I was actually relieved "to know". But, a few days later, my real grief set in.

I feel as if my life for the last 2 years has been a big waiting game. Waiting for test results, the dreaded 2 week wait, waiting with bated breath for every phone call from the docs, waiting for the miscarriage to happen, to be done, for my next period... Now, I wait again, to try again.

It's strange, I'm actually happy right now. It's a relief not to be in a cycle. I'm 38, so there is no option to "take time off", but this month or two of forced waiting is great. I'm trying to take this time to regain my life. I want to change my diet, lose a few pounds before getting fat again on IF drugs and depression eating, I just want to live life, instead of waiting until I get a good result to celebrate something. I realized how depressed I've been, and I feel as if the fog has lifted. Do you think it's the IF drugs that have been keeping me down and now that I'm Au natural, the spell has lifted? (this thought has just occurred to me).

I've learned one amazing thing from this whole experience. I married the right man. He has been so wonderful through this whole experience. When we got our BFP, he was so incredibly excited. My hubby is pretty even keeled, so to see this in him was thrilling for me. All along, I tried to temper his expectations about our chances of success, or what could happen, but he didn't believe me in his heart. So, when we miscarried, he was devastated. The process of supporting each other through this experience has done wonders for our marriage. I can't really explain why, it just has. I guess I'll say he just gave me exactly what I needed... and I hope that I was able to do the same for him.

So, now we wait. I keep saying that I can't believe we are "back where we started", but in all reality, I know we are one small step ahead. At least we know it can actually happen, and in my heart, I actually believe that.

Crazy AND Pregnant

2008-05-12T07:31:00.001-07:00

I am so very happy to report that my betas have continued to rise:

352, 831, 2034...

But I think I've discovered a new kind of crazy! I am so nervously excited about being pregnant, but at the same time, I'm a complete bundle of nerves? When I got the call from the nurse that my test was 2034, I was elated... for about 24 hours. Then, Mr. Anxiety came knocking at the door, again.

I keep looking for more and more symptoms, and I realize that in the fertile world, people are only now discovering that they are pregnant. But I keep sizing myself up hour by hour, am I tired? Am I sick? Do my boobs still hurt? Do they hurt more than before?

I want so badly to enjoy this time, but I'm so scared, it's hard. I've heard this is normal, but I feel like a complete freak. My first US is Wednesday, a lifetime from now.

Keeping my fingers crossed until Wednesday.
XO

Still Freaking, but some good news

2008-05-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

On Sunday my beta was 143...

Taking it day by day... next test, Tuesday.

Freaking out

2008-05-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

Got a positive POAS this morning exactly 2 weeks after IUI. Just got the call from the nurses that the beta is positive (Yay!), but numbers are, "lower than she would have expected today" at 51.

I go back Sunday for another beta. What does this mean? I'm scared.

My "Furbaby"

2008-04-15T15:54:00.001-07:00

I read that "furbaby" somewhere on a blog and loved it. Here is my little Oscar, who everytime I want to throw in the towel with IF treatmeats listens to me say, "We could just have a bunch of Portuguese Water Dogs".... Then he licks the salty tears from my face...

back at it again...again.

2008-04-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm on to cycle number six. The big SIX! This is so huge because after this cycle, if it doesn't work, insurance will finally cover us for IVF. Since my last post, I've started doing yoga, which surprisingly, I enjoy! I signed up for a light power yoga class and I really felt great after the first class. The "chanting" at the beginning was a bit much for me, but once that was over and we were on to the poses, it was great. I'm also doing acupuncture, and I'm taking a mind/body class.

The mind/body class has 13 women in it who are all at varying stages of infertility. It's supposed to teach you how to reduce stress in your life, by physically teaching your body how to react to stress. It's scientific, in that your body definitely has a reaction to stress, and it's been (sort of)proven that reducing that can impact fertility (No, I'm not telling anyone "just relax, it will happen"). Overall, I am not sure it will help me to get pregnant, but I think it will help in my overall life.

That said, the best part of the class is the sharing that happens, hearing about what other women are going through. Of the 13 women there, 4 have taken leaves of absence or have reduced their working hours in order to try and get pregnant. I was quite shocked at that, as it was something that I never considered. Given our financial situation, and the fact that I supply the insurance and my work has been great, I can't imagine taking a leave. However, I would LOVE it. I guess it was validating that IF is crazy stressful, and I'm not crazy for being a nutjob.

Another interesting thing was hearing from one of the peer counselors about her experiences. She was never able to have a baby, and is now pursing adoption. During the class, the instructor was talking about letting yourself have hope, which is something I have had a lot of trouble with. After so many failed cycles, I have a hard time envisioning ever getting pregnant. I have protected myself by thinking that it might not ever happen. I'm trying to work on that, because maybe the power of positive thinking will help me. Who knows... But, the peer councilor talked about having a plan B, and how that can give you the feeling of having more control over this situation. She's right. I have always been open to the idea of adoption, but been scared by all the risks and unknowns. However, if I want to be a Mom, it's a really viable option. That gives me hope! Hubby is also scared, but very open to thinking about it. That alone has really helped us this month. If I get nothing else out of the mind/body class, I think that alone has helped.

If you knew me, you would know just how out of character all of this zen-like stuff is for me. I'm a skeptic, not really religious, although highly superstitious. I guess part of me wants to be able to say I tried everything to make this happen. However, I could see the yoga becoming part of my life on an ongoing basis. Physically, it was such a great feeling.

Anyway... I'm on cycle (20) 6 and I'm getting close to trigger night. However, Hubby had some bad news last month that his sperm counts were LOW! This is an anomaly because they have always been so good in the past. He had the flu a few weeks before, so we were wondering if that could have been the cause. Just a few days ago he was also diagnosed with High Blood Pressure, which we are trying to get under control quickly. Does anyone know if that could impact sperm count?

A tough few weeks

2008-03-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a tough few weeks but now I'm back in the saddle. In the last few weeks, our IF life has been pretty busy. We switched RE's to someone who I feel will be better at connecting to me on a human level. As I sitting there bawling in her office, she suggested the Mind/Body institue. So, I've signed up for this and it starts on Monday. I have really high hopes that this will make me feel better.

I've had a blue couple of weeks, to the point that I just didn't want to get out of bed. But, over the last few days, it's like a big cloud has lifted, and I'm able to function at a somewhat normal energy level.

I don't know, this thing is just so up and down. I go from being hopeless to letting hope creep in. Hubby really wants me to think that this will happen for us someday, I am just not there. I just can't envision myself getting prego.

I feel as if this is another wasted month. I took an HCG trigger, but based on the progression of my follies, the nurses were not sure if they would ovulate on their own before the trigger kicked in. So, they told us to "do it" the night before the IUI, which we did! Then, the next morning, we went in for the IUI and hubbys count was literally zero. ZERO! This is a big deal for us because he's always had really high counts in the past. We went in again the next day, and his washed count was 100,000. Still very, very low. So, they did the IUI anyway, so that we could complete the cycle for insurance purposes. But, when we had 56 million last month, how could this happen.
I know, I know, you only need 1, but come on!

Hubby was sick with the flu and 103 degree fever a few weeks ago, so maybe that depleted the sperm count. I just hope this is not an indicator that he's sick at all.

So here I am, deep in the throws of the 2ww. Still waiting....

endurance

2008-03-11T12:21:00.001-07:00

I read everyones blogs every day and I don't understand something. I'm at the beginning of this IF race, or maybe, sadly, I'm approaching the mid-point. I feel as if I've run a marathon already. I'm completely mentally and physically exhausted, but I feel guilty saying that.

I've read about those of you who have been trying for years, miscarried or lost babies close to full term. How does one survive this kind of tragedy? If your life's dream is to have a family, and it just isn't going to happen, how does one recover from that?

Let's flip this around to the positive by saying I admire everyone who manages to recover and be happy after dealing with infertility and miscarriages. You are my heroes.

I'd love to know how people deal with the mental health part of infertility?

3 wasted eggs

2008-03-10T05:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not prego. So much for the nurses saying, "this is the kind of cycle we look for". So disappointed.

An interesting weekend

2008-03-03T12:22:00.001-08:00

Deep in the midst of my 2ww I had a girls weekend away. Big mistake. Of the 5 of us there, only 1 could drink, meaning 3 are pregnant and I am abstaining, "just in case". I was not mentally prepared for this because 2 of the announcements came this weekend.

For my 1 friend, this is her third. Of all of my friends, only 1 has had anything close to having IF issues. Everyone else is a Fertile Mertile, which is wonderful! But the real shocker came from my other friend who announced her 14 week pregnancy. For privacy's sake, I won't mention too much because if she ever read this, I'd feel badly. It's just that given her financial and other factors this pregnancy creates a lot of uncertainty.

I was really torn how to react to her. On the one hand, it felt like a physical blow when she told me, but I didn't cry :). I want to be happy for her, but this could also be the factor that holds her down financially, forever. I feel like I'm watching a trainwreck. "Welfare" came out of her mouth this weekend.

On the other hand, just because she's not financially stable and is potentially setting herself up to be a single mother, does she just let her biological clock tick away? a really hard question! Understanding the feeling of wanting a child as much as I do, who am I to even think she should not have a child because she can't afford it?

At this point, all we can do is be supportive, which is what I did all weekend. But there is another part of me that wants to shake her by the shoulders and tell her to grow up. She has a child on the way now, and she's got to plan for it!! Her life is not her own anymore. Ok, now I'm being preachy.

Thanks for letting me vent virtually. This post probably does not make much sense to the reader, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Still Waiting

2008-02-25T09:55:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of action since my last post. I am currently doing an Inj and IUI cycle, but the nurses told me if I produced a lot of follicles, they might convert to IVF. Well, for 24 glorious hours, I thought this was going to happen. (Tick, tick tick up the emotional rollercoaster…) I had 6 measurable follies on 1 side and 2 on the other. I was HAPPY for a change. I was laughing and smiling, had a lot of energy... I just realized how much this whole infertility process has taken a toll on my psyche.

But, the next day, the nurses called with my US results and told me to trigger that night with the IUI scheduled for last Friday. (Down I go…) I did not meet "the criteria" for IVF. Criteria? What criteria? Whose criteria? I do ask the nurses these questions, and they probably think I'm a complete control freak nut job, but information is power right now and that keeps me going from day to day.

On IUI Friday, as I sat in the stirrup room in my fully exposed glory, the nurse said, "This is exactly the kind of cycle we like to see with 3 possible eggs." I have high hopes for you. Tick, tick, tick back up the emotional roller coaster. I am trying so hard to keep my emotions in check, but I can't help it. I'm pulling out all the stops for this cycle.

Hubby and I are not religious people. I'm not saying that we are atheists, but we are really not sure what we believe in. What we do know is that organized religion has been the cause of many wars, economic injustice, and lack of independent thinking. Given this, getting down on my knees and asking god to help us create a baby is a bit hypocritical, don't you think? This thought, however, has not stopped me from calling all my religious friends and asking them to say prayers for us. So, I’ve got the cavalry praying…

Next, I thought I would try the Chinese medicine route- Acupuncture. Saturday morning I went to my first acupuncture appointment. I am pretty analytical, and really don’t believe much in Zen, etc. But, I’ve seen the statistics that acupuncture does help infertility, so I thought I would give it a whirl. I asked what the theory behind acupuncture was, and she explained that the needles correct the flow of the energy in my body. Ok, what? I had to repeat my new mantra, “Willing suspension of disbelief—there is something to this Chinese medicine.” The results: It didn’t hurt, except for 1 spot, and I actually think I’ve been more relaxed since Saturday. So, we’ll see, I go back Wednesday for my next treatment.

Back to waiting… I’m 4 days into the 2week wait and all my symptoms of crazy are coming back. Obsessive googling, pushing my bbs to assess their level of soreness (which I believe have reached new heights due to the HCG and progesterone), looking for that metally taste in my mouth, talking to my hopefully fertilized egg(s). Oh yeah, I’m calling them the twins.
Thanks for letting me vent. This blog is my way of getting all my thoughts out without overwhelming my fertile friends and family…. Until next time…

Hope is creeping in...

2008-02-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sooo trying not to get excited, but I can't help it. Maybe it's just because I'm getting more information than I've ever had before. But it looks as if my body is responding to the Gonal F by producing 6 measurable follicles on 1 side at day 10. Two are leading the way at 14 and 15. I was really, really hoping that we could convert to IVF, but my ovaries have not produced enough.

I'm trying not to visualize those 2 follies as embryos, really trying. But I can't help it. I feel as if I'm watching a train wreck. I've been repeating my mantra that I was only going through these inj+IUI cycles to get to IVF, but I'm letting hope back in. I know that if a BFN comes (which it always does) that I'm going to be crushed. But, I'm blocking that out for another few weeks. Am I crazy?

The emotional attachment that I have to these FOLLICLES is nuts. This just makes me feel even worse for the bloggers who have miscarried. At the same time, it's been equally as uplifting to read about the numerous sucesses. Thinking posititve thoughts...

I'm a junky

2008-02-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

My first night using the Gonal F pen... I had built this up in my mind as being a huge deal, even though so many people told me it was easy. Although I must admit, I had some sweaty palms as I poised the pen over my belly to jab myself. NO PAIN! Yay! My biggest fear now is making sure that I use the pen correctly.

Ultrasounds are also new for me this month, and I am relieved to have them. I'm getting more information!!! I know my lining was 10 mm thick, and now it's "nice and thin". I know I had a cyst, but it resolved itself. I keep running through my head, what are all the possible reasons why I'm not getting pregnant? I'm now down to bad eggs, but I'll just have to wait and see. I'm counting down the days until I learn something new.

Praying that I can convert this cycle to IVF...

I'm back

2008-02-11T09:22:00.000-08:00

After a wonderful vacation to Hawaii, Hubby and I are back to work, and back to IF, and back to being crazy. For 2 delicious weeks, we enjoyed life in Maui. I can say we really enjoyed life, which is something that IF has stripped from me. There was only 1 time, when the sight of 3 or 4 babies playing on the beach broke my heart but other than that... it was really great to take some time off from this emotional roller coaster. Life is sooo good there :)

But, now we are back on the wagon, and I am full-blown crazy. I went to the RE's office for my "day 3" testing as part of our first injectable/IUI. For some reason, I cried all the way there, in the parking garage, while having blood drawn, and all the way home. I really don't know what came over me, but I lost it. The nurses actually asked me if I took a pregnancy test, which of course I did BFN.

I really hope that this cycle tells us something. At this point, my dream would be a pregnancy, but that just seems so unrealistic. I just can't imagine it happening. Sometimes I look at people with kids or pregnant women and I want to ask them, "How did you make that happen?". But, I would be happy just to know something more than I did last cycle. I am responding or not responding, how many follilces I have, just tell me SOMETHING!

Hubby and I had a discussion this weekend about "fault". We are diagnosed unexplained, but his sperm are fine which makes me feel as if this is my fault. Is it my fault that hubby and I didn't meet until I was 35? Are my eggs all bad? Is my uteris faulty? Are the 20 extra pounds I carry keeping this from happening? Am I too stressed? Is that glass of wine I love keeping this from happening? Will hubby regret marrying me if I can't make this happen? I can't get these things out of my head. The issue is the phrase, "make this happen". For the first time in my life, this IF is utterly out of my control, and I hate it. I'm doing everything I can with treatments, etc. but it's not like... ok, if I force myself to jog 5 miles each night, I will achieve pregnancy. If I study really really hard, I'll achieve pregnancy. It's so frustrating.

Ok, thank you all for allowing me this virtual rant. Now that it's off my chest, I feel much better. I can slowly feel the glass filling half full of water... Looking forward to tomorrow's ultrasound, and beginning stimming. (my secret glass really full dream is that I have tons of folly's and they convert this to IVF).

A note about ME and Steve:
The news of Mary Ellen and Steve's losses were overwhelming. My heart literally broke for them, and still does each day. I check the feed a few times a day hoping for some good news for them, and I'm so happy Mary Ellens physical health is improving. I don't really know what to say, but I just wish them so many good thoughts in trying to get through each day.

The God of Fertility

2007-12-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

I said I was going to take time off from drug induced fertility, but we decided to try the good old fashioned way. We'll see, I'm assuming it won't work, so I'm still going to have fun and enjoy my vacation.

I thought my fellow IF sisters would enjoy this little tidbit. Guess what I got for Christmas from my SIL? A statue of an African god of fertility. I have to say, I'm feeling so desperate to have a child that I was actually glad to receive it! Both of my SIL's are very fertile, so maybe there is something to this statue. Between them they have 7 children. They want to be sensitive and helpful, but I've heard all their stories about people who tried for years and years and finally got pregnant. Enough! Just give me a little black magic!

SO, in short, I've decided to give in to all my superstitions. The other night, before "trying", I rubbed the gods Buddha belly. Maybe next month I should have my palm read? I'm not a church goer, but maybe I should start???? Like the title says... CRAZY? or Pregnant.

Happy New Year!

A few months off!

2007-12-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

It's confirmed. BFN. We are on to the next step. Hubby and I met with our RE on Friday and we are on to injectables. However, we decided to take a little time off while we take a much needed vacation.

Interesting discussion with the RE and his nurses. Again, I'm not complaining as I read so many of you who have no insurance. Our treatment is largely being dictated by insurance.

My RE was going into his discussion about the fact that we should do 3 inj cycles. I asked him directly, "Is this the course of treatment you would recommend for us, or is insurance dictating this?" He answered honestly and said, yes, I think you should move to IVF, but we would never get it approved. The nurses confirmed this as well. Again, I'm grateful for the coverage, but amazed at how much insurance companies dictate the course of patient care. I guess I should not be surprised by this, but it's the first time it's happened to me.

I'm actually excited to take a break from all of this. I'm going to go to the gym, not worried about doing something too bouncy, or getting my heartrate over 140. I'm going to get healthy for 2 months. Oh yeah, and enjoy plenty of holiday wine.

I could not help myself

2007-12-05T06:05:00.000-08:00

I tested this morning at 10dpiui after seeing a little spotting last night. Negative! Not even the illusion of a second line, just a stark white stick with one very sharp red line.

I have an RE appt. on Friday and the nurses told me to test tomorrow, so I will, but I'm sure it will be negative. I'm just really sad today. I actually cried a lot last night knowing it was negative, seeing the spotting. I could delude myself into thinking it was late implantation bleeding, but I'd rather just face reality.

The RE appt. is to discuss next steps, which they've previewed as being injectables with IUI. Husby and I are going on a much needed vacation in January to Hawaii. We are very lucky, and can't wait to go. I think I've decided to take a break from fertility until we come back. Maybe I'll find some Hawaiian fertility Buddha to bring home with us.

Just need to get through the day today with no (or very few) tears. 16 cycles and counting...

Depression?

2007-11-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

So this is what it feels like. An inescapable sorrow that washes over you from the minute you wake. IUI and Clomid #3 done. 16th 2WW in progress. Why can't I be hopeful instead of miserable?

I must channel the power of positive thinking! I must! Am I secretly willing this baby not to happen?

Again, AM I CRAZY???

Big Neg... again

2007-11-01T05:45:00.000-07:00

I broke down and succumbed to my addiction, and bought 2 boxes of PG tests... and I used one.

I am too early, I know that, but I could not help it. It was negative.... 2 hours later it was negative... this morning, that same test was still negative.

I will not loose faith however. I am crampy, probably PMSing, but alas I am holding out hope. It's still early...

Crazy? or Pregnant

2007-10-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of you who have blogged out there and let your feelings all hang out in your blogs. I realize that I'm not the only one feeling this way!

CLOMID: Does it make you crazy all month or am I just spiraling down into a world of infirtility insanity? Could some one please answer that for me? Seriously, does clomid have after effects beyond the 5 days you take it?

I'm 9DPIUI and losing it quickly. I am in my second month of IUI and clomid and let me tell you... I am really nuts. If someone had told me that trying to have a baby would be so emotionally wrenching, I would not have believed them.

In the last six months, I've learned a new language (IF talk). To think that EWCM and IUI and BD is a regular part of my vocabulary is scary!

I am counting the days until I can POAS, and of course, I am analyzing every little feeling, twinge, cramp, bloat, sick feeling. The worst thing of all is that I can't really work out or drink!

The strangest thing about IF is how your loved ones and friends react. I've heard comments from my best friends mother, "I really want this to happen for... "(duh... me too). I have other friends who give me the look and talk about anything but IF. Another friend just sheepishly announced that she's having her third.... yup she's older than me (38)... and got prego twice on her first try (hate her)... Kidding of course. I feel guilty because I feel badly when she told me, but of course I'm happy for her.

If I hear one more person tell me to do yoga, relax, go on vacation, I will KILL THEM! Don't they get it? Don't they understand how your every minute of every day is spent obsessing about how I feel? What CD is it? Two lines or one? Is my temp still up? AF or PG cramps? Pain on the right side, pain on the left?

Oh... I'm better now! Thanks for the vent!